Emily Blackwood in my dreams?

I would really appreciate if you read through this. I want to know what you guys take of my experience. I think it might be pretty long, but please take a look. I also don't believe this belongs in the 'story' section because this is non-fiction.


Three days ago is when I first had Aiden role-play with Emily. Obviously they met and yadayada started dating. The next day it got more serious between them. This is when I grew an OOC attachment onto Emily. Even if I never leak my IC feelings into my OOC feelings Emily seemed to be the only one who passed through that thick boundary I set. I've conjured and imaginary "perfect" girl if you will, using Emily as a base. I know I might sound really pathetic thinking of an imaginary woman ideal for reality, but it was something I did involuntarily. Later that night I went to sleep, exchanged OOC goodbyes to everyone from the RPG. I had this strange dream that the girl I made in my imagination (Emily Blackwood) visited me in person. The dream was that I woke up from my bed because of a creaked door that shined light onto my feet. I walked over to the door and sent it open to see Emily smile at me, and then fade off into smoke. I thought this was a strange dream the next morning and took nothing of it. The next day I had Aiden Role-play with Emily again, and it was the usual cuddle and stay with each other, but in that duration I never left plague for another RP. That whole day I was OOCly attached onto Emily, even if she was non-existant. I took an imaginary, quickly made character Emma put together into an imaginary girl that I see as "perfect". Again, I went to sleep, exchanged OOC goodbyes to everyone. I had that same dream, but this time it continued off from her dissapearing, into me turning around to see a forest, then I woke up. (CONT)

Again, I brushed this off again as nothing. Not having the guts to say "Hey I dreamed about your character twice, Emma" I just continued on. Emma and I sessioned a few dramatic scenes in the course of the RP, and for some reason, I felt what Aiden was feeling. It was like what he did was actually me, and for a brief moment of RPing did I I chose what I wanted to do. I always stuck to char. and did what the char. actually WOULD do. I tried to keep Emily safe ICly, but I knew OOCly I wanted her safe too. And I've come to terms that when Emily wasn't on Plague, I wasn't completely in the experience. I wasn't immersed as heavily as I would be if Emily was around. Again, I know this sounds so pathetic, but its something done involuntarily. Then, ICly, Emily used Stefan to perform suicide (https://plaguerpg.rpg-board.net/ic-news-f1/emily-s-note-t515.htm) and, I was there watching OOCly as she died, watching the scene they performed. It was casual for me, typical RP scene to watch. But when I went IC-- Suddenly, Aiden took over, he controlled my fingertips to type what he wanted to do. He mourned for her death, and felt anger against Stef. And even if I didn't cry in person I was dying inside, and I hated Ryan's guts at the moment, but after the scene ended and we went OOC... all of those emotions just went away... Its like Aiden let go of his grasp on me.So, Emily died along with that perfect persona of a woman. And for one time in my days of RPing (including out of Habbo, IE chatboards, imageboards, forums) I felt sad inside. I usually brush off a character's death as "They're still OOCly here, but just in a new character " but this time, it was different. I felt horrified. Emily died along with the "perfect" woman that I created in my mind involuntarily by using Emily as a base.

I guess I'll say it. Don't laugh at me or point fingers. I fell for an imaginary person. I fell in love with something that never existed, breathed or mattered. I know it sounds very pathetic of me and I'm sure I'll get barraged with "GO GET LAID" or "GET A REAL GIRL" and things like that. But I can't help but ponder on why. Why Emily-- a non-existing brain-child of Emma matter so much to me IC and OOC? I can't answer that. I don't know why. At the time of Emily's death, I wasn't taking it so seriously, but at night as I layed in bed-- everything you're reading, All of it rushed through my head. I got up from my bed and turned my laptop on to type this all down while its still fresh. I wanted to get down what I personally feel about this. This was written on 07/02/10 12:44 AM I will sleep, and see if anything pops up.

7/02/10 5:15 AM I woke up

I didn't dream this time around. She didn't visit last night. I think what happened was that my mind was well aware of her death, so it involuntarily believed she was... gone. That embodiment of a dream-girl I used died along with Emily. And although she might be fake-- I miss her. I learned the power of the imagination I had as a kid never left me. From this odd experience did I also learn that I've always been using it unintentionally all along. Instead of using it to conjure up ghosts and boogey-man I've been using it to predict my choices and decisions in life. Well, not to get all mushy and stuff, but I guess in a way Emily helped me see myself, and I think she was trying to tell me that. I think no one took her departure as hard as I did.

Dang, that is like. Woah.
I'm too amazed for words.

Jesus wrote:

Dang, that is like. Woah.
I'm too amazed for words.

ilut.